[ JANUARY ]

1

I think your door is open.

People sometimes hear something but they don’t hear it correctly. How’s wee darling? Did she see the New Year in?

No no no, gentle gentle gentle with the pearls.

Is he playing hard to get? You won’t catch him. He’s stupid but he’s not that stupid. Shall we put you in the chair?

She looks at everything. I don’t know how she looks so long without blinking.

She’ll knock that off there. That’s not going to stay there. Try the other hand.

Some babies at that age really can’t eat. They can still just only have bottles. You’re a show-off aren’t you? Yes, you’re a big show-off. She’s keeping her eye on you, isn’t she? That shortbread was lovely. Did you make it? Oh. Well it just tasted like homemade. When you can buy things as nice as that—I presume you bought it—it’s hardly worth turning your oven on, is it?

So were there lots of admirers talking about the baby paraded at lunch the other day?

Oh yes—how old is she, what’s her name? Yes, they thought she was beautiful. They all like to see something like that, because you know . . .

That was a nice guy at your table, with Gwen. He said she’s got more hair than he does.

Yes he’s lovely. He’s got an artificial leg. He had his leg removed about three years ago. He’s good fun. Gwen’s quite a quiet lady. Les and I have lots of jokes and she joins in, you know. I have a feeling she didn’t have a happy marriage. She’s never quite said, but I think he went to the pub and football and left her alone quite a lot. We have a good table, Les and Gwen and me. There used to be another guy there, but I don’t know whether he’s died or gone upstairs or what’s happened to him but he’s not there, and nobody seems to know. And we’ve now got a lady there who doesn’t even get a joke.

She hasn’t done anything interesting for the last thirty-six hours or so.

Nana’s having a cup of tea. Stop laughing at Nana and eat your carrot. Tea’s so different just made in a cup, compared to sixty cups in a teapot.

Where’s my laptop? I’ll show you some photos Helen posted.

What’s she standing on?

It’s Charlie’s hoverboard.

In the news, a lot of them have been spontaneously combusting. They just burst into flames.

Why?

Because there’s videos of them all over the internet. Because of the batteries or something. And there’s videos of people veering out of control and then coming off horrendously. They’re back early from their holiday over there. The neighbours. They were meant to be away for four days and they’ve been away for two. Perhaps they’ll do the lawns. Careful . . . careful . . . gentle! Gentle! Take control of that hand, because it’ll get onto your hair or your pearls and the pearls will be all over the floor in seconds.

Do you want Nana’s pearls? You can’t have them yet. No. You’re supposed to sit down. Bend your knees. Bend your knees and sit down. You’re supposed to be just sitting down quietly. You don’t like me holding on to you, do you? Do you want to go on the floor? Do you want to go on the floor? I’m trying to think how old that is.

That? I thought it was your father’s.

Yes it was. And he came out from Ireland. It would be in the 1890s, before the turn of the century. I think about ’98. Of course Dad had no idea when he came out.

Well he didn’t know how old he was.

You can’t imagine somebody hardly going to school, can you.

Why do you have to go off getting into trouble? Always getting into trouble.

Have you got a problem? Daddy’s got a problem more like.

Rebel with a cause. Her toenails need doing too, Catherine.

They’re so tiny at that age, the toenails, aren’t they. I don’t really want to see her with only four toes. I used to hate cutting your nails.

No need to look worried. Trust me, I’m a professional.

What’s Mummy doing?

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